Decisions

Wow, didn’t realize it had been so long! But with 4 kids home schooling… Well, you can imagine all the things that has kept me from it, including looming questions in my heart that I have been earnestly seeking answers for. Which bring me to today’s post… I began home schooling 2 years ago and now that journey has come to an end. It was both the best thing I started to do and pray and trust it is the best thing I will stop doing. I enjoyed being my children’s teacher. I enjoyed even more being able to recognize their personalities shining through when given the opportunity to be “free” and express themselves in an environment the world sees as “unsocialized” yet when I decided to take this journey, my 6 year old’s desk had been moved into the hallway for socializing… Hmmm…The very thought of that stigma that so many, even me at one time, put on home schooling is completely WRONG! I posted before why I home school and I encourage you to read it if you haven’t already. I still completely believe in what I said 100%. But I am also strong enough in my faith to recognize when my work is done and know that God wants me to trust that He will be with them every step they take. In the realm of Christianity, we always say “if we can plant a seed, it was worth it”. In the last 2 years, I have seen my son go from a world’s view of “typical boy”, to being my son. He hugs us, even his sisters, and constantly tells us he loves us. Bryli-Kate was with me on a “school day” in the car, when the Holy Spirit convicted her of her sins and she need to be saved. She prayed right there in the car. With all this said, this home school experience was more mine and Matt’s journey than it was theirs. They were able to reap benefits “out of this world” through God teaching us. Matt and I had fallen into a routine of work, school and exhaustion. 2 working parents arriving home at 530 or 6 in the evening. One of us picking the kids up from an afterschool program, putting them in the school’s (aka government) care for 10 hours a day at times. Matt would work with homework, I would cook dinner. We would sit as a family to eat, because that’s what good Christian families do, right? After that, send them out to play, threaten them when they got in the way of house work, what little we would be trying to accomplish before bedtime, then off to baths, prayers and bed. I am NOT saying it was wrong for anyone else but me. God cleans his fish in the way He sees fit. This is my cleaning, and though it doesn’t sound convincing as to why I would put them back in school, I feel the need to share the journey in its entirety to get to where I am now and where I need to be, in hopes that you will encourage me when I question everything all over again. So here we are officially signing them up for school. I’m having a hard time because I can’t verbalize the reasons why I’m suppose to that are Biblical other than saying simply, its what God has told me to do now. I can give you reasons of “it’s a really good school system, the kids have become dependent on me, I’m exhausted at times and that can’t be good for them” Those reasons I had a year ago and I chose to keep them home. This time I’m at peace with God about this decision as hard as it was to make. Satan of course is coming down on me by telling me I have failed as both a mother and a teacher, but I learned that Satan’s language is lies! And I already know that God loves me so much to send His Son to die for me, He would not degrade me. Satan doesn’t want my Christian babies back in the school system and I am claiming today that they will be salt and light to a lost and dying world. I have seen so much improvement in their lives over these last 2 years that makes my heart swell. I also know it’s NOT because of me, it’s my GOD! Do I think my work is done? Yes I said it earlier, but only in a full time home school setting. I now need to figure out how to be the mother that God needs me to be when the school bell rings. We need to make more time for them and keep them close and talk often about what they are being taught in school. So many influences… I want them to be an influence instead of being influenced. Pray for my babies! Pray for me…

Christian...

I know it’s been a while, but I’ve been plowing through the book Radical by David Platt. The chapters are so full of Biblical truth, that seeps deeper than I have ever thought before, that I find myself constantly stopping to pray and talk with God about things He is revealing to me. It’s really eye opening. Things I grew up believing were the Christian way are merely a very small token of the bigger picture. I have always witnessed the statistic of 10% of the church will carry out 100% of the job but I never really grasped what was actually involved in that 100%. I decided to “bing” Christian. Should be simple right? I opened a can of worms. I was even more disheartened by the many comments on open forums. Why does the world hate us so much? When I was younger, it wasn’t like this. People cared about others no mater their religion or status. In fact, the Bible teaches us, it is part of being a follower of Christ. But, instead, I see us labeling others in a way that only separates us. Let’s look at Christ and how He lived. Then compare our own lives, not those of others and see how we measure up. Jesus spent most of His ministry with 12 men. One of which we all know what happens in the end, greed. So, did Jesus miss something? Uhhh, No! He has all ways been, will all be, all knowing. He knew and even points it out before hand. So, did Jesus treat Judas any different? No. He knew the outcome but still ministered to him whole heartily. But today, we are consistently acting like the Levite or that certain Priest and crossing on the other side of the road. We have the “we are Christian, so not to blemish our facet, we need a large distance between us” attitudes. We compare ourselves to each other based on what we own as if it is a “blessing” status. “Wow, look at what they have, they must be living right. They are blessed” and “They are in a difficult situation, they must have forgotten to bless their breakfast this morning.” Instead of judging each other, why aren’t we doing as we are commanded, and loving our neighbor as ourselves. And for the record, it didn’t say “Love thy fellow Christian who holds the same status as you, as yourself.” Have you’re ever thought that you’re blessed so you can show God’s glory through blessing others? Not just faithfully giving your tithes and Sunday night missions offering. And definitely not to hoard all of it up for your own desires and glory. But blessing someone who is in a difficult situation, even if it’s the third time they’ve been there. Instead of resorting to labeling them, minister to them. According to the world’s standard, Jesus should have not invited Judas to the Last Supper. It would have been perfectly acceptable to block him on facebook and ultimately pass by on the other side of the road. Instead, Jesus loved him and showed compassion towards him. He ministered. Jesus Christ is the definition of Christian. And that’s just the beginning…

Come with Love...

Most everyone knows the situation with my mother. She is a lot like a dementia patient. In fact they pretty much consider her to have dementia due to and “accident” or stroke. I mentioned earlier how she was so independent and strong, a go get’er type of person. Now she requires 24 hour supervision and needs numerous medications to help with multiple symptoms from anxiety to depression. It was really hard to deal with the sudden change in her. She went from making lunch for the whole family on Sundays, watching her grandkids, working 2 jobs (because she was bored) to wearing diapers and never being left alone for fear of her harming herself, like a 2 year old. At first we were told full recovery and a timeline of 6 months to a year. After that came and went… you start mourning the death of who she was. Yet, you’re reminded every time you see her. It’s like seeing a ghost. You’re reminded when she doesn’t call you on your birthday. And every Sunday when you’re getting out of church and thinking about lunch and you remember when it was a “no brainer” because mom always cooked.

God has always brought songs into my life at the most perfect times. Come with love reminds me that I am always His child and He not only knows my Birthday, He knows every hair on my head. He gave this song to Matt and me during a time that was really depressing. Satan was trying to convince me I was all alone and no one cared about me. I had no father and my mother only remembered me on a good days. It’s comical to me that I could possibly feel “alone” with 4 children! This song will always be particularly dear to my heart and any time I start to feel alone I listen and He calls me and showers me with a love no one could ever compete with!

You come with love, in the beauty of your holiness. With love you call me to your side. You draw my heart and you shower me with tenderness. Your loving arms are opened wide.

And so I come, I come with tenderness. And so I come, I come with love.

When the night is falling and the day is done, I can hear you calling, “Come” I will come while you sing over me.

When the night surrounds me, all my dreams undone, I can hear you calling, “Come” I will come while you sing over me

When the night would hide my way, I will listen until I hear you say, “How I love you child I love you, how I love you child, I love you. How I love you!”

“How I love you child I love you, how I love you child, I love you. How I love you!”

When this life is over and the race is run. I will hear you calling, “Come” I will come while you sing over me.

“How I love you child I love you…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrerGdYNQ9A&list=UUR9Ryk6Cts2aJGrRZu6ZMIA&index=18&feature=plcp

God's timing!

Wow! I don’t know why I keep reverting back to the same old human things… Maybe I’m human? We know as Christians, that God’s timing is not ours, right? But sometimes we forget that God’s timing doesn’t have to be a “deadline” set by someone else either! That’s what got me this time. Matt’s Rwanda money, $2000, was due by May 1^st. May 1^st came and he had $990 in his account. We scrambled around on Monday and Tuesday trying to figure out, with the mission’s office at church, if that meant he wasn’t going. The rule is, No money for what needs to be purchased for you, no purchase. Pretty simple. However, they were waiting to hear from the travel agent and we had a few hours at best to send out one more request. So, I did what I do best, hit my facebook!! All of you that hate it, well, if used correctly, it can be a blessing. Matt was able to raise another $310 in less than 24 hours. That’s awesome! When we talked with the missions department Wednesday night, we learned that the tickets would be purchased the next day and now, the ticket prices had gone up another $210. So he needed $2210 to purchase the ticket with and we only had $1300. We felt like we were back to square one. Translation, we felt defeated. God was trying to show us that we need to put our faith in Him. Should we do fundraisers, beg on facebook and send out letters? Of course! He never promised the cross would not be heavy! When Matt decided to answer a call, by God to go to Rwanda, we picked up a cross to carry. Sitting back and only saying God will provide while doing nothing to be a vessel, would have been self-righteous to say the least. But, He was trying to teach the both of us that His timing is divine and perfect just like His will for our lives. When we were discouraged Wednesday, God must have been so frustrated with us. I can hear Him now, “Look at those two! I already dropped a hint that they were able to use nearly an entire extra week past a due date, and they still are relying on man’s timing and not My own!” Thursday came and Matt accepted the fact that the money was not there and he would have a head start on next year. We hadn’t heard any different. On Monday, Matt was approached by “someone” and asked if he still wanted to go. Matt said of course but he was sure the tickets had been purchased. Well, come to find out, they hadn’t! He still had time, this “someone” offered to pay the remaining amount for his ticket and anything that he didn’t raise in the end but to continue raising money until the June deadline of $2900 total. He was also handed another $100 check that day separate and another $100 came straight to the church in his name! Shocked! Grateful! Astounded! Humbled!... Surprised! But why? Jesus was 4 days late to raise Lazarus. Late by our standards before hand, but perfectly on time by His standards and in hind sight! And we’re talking about someone being raised from the dead! Not money for a plane ticket, for a mission trip God called you to go on! Why were we so surprised? It makes you think. Faith is asking the mountain to move and only being surprised when it doesn’t! – Not when it does!

Just a few of my baby steps

You may have it all together, but when it came to me, well, balancing kids, husband, house, dinner, sports, weekends… well, the list goes on for all of us! A typical week for me could be challenging to say the least. Matt would get home around 6:45 to dinner, hopefully, then sit on the couch with the remote while I scrambled to finish laundry, pick up toys, order kids around, pass the living room and give husband dirty look for doing nothing. And then the devil starts…  “So, just because you don’t get a pay check for all you did today, it’s not work? You didn’t get to clock out? Who does he think he is? He needs to be helping fold and put laundry away!” This was an every night occurrence. So upset that I was still going up until bed time trying to “earn my keep.” I was letting my husband slip into this “bringing home the bacon roll.” Not his fault, mine. After a few weeks of exhaustion, mental that is, I began seeking God in helping me change my attitude. I knew my husband was a great man. Driving 59 miles one way to provide for his family! How could I have these terrible thoughts? Well, of course it was the liar, Satan. God asked me what I wanted out of my life. (husband and kids included) I really searched and was in Genesis seeing the life of Noah, Abraham, Isaac, their families. I wanted God to be the center. I knew with Him as the center, we would be blessed. We are at church 7-8 hours a week. But, other than my own daily reading, what were the rest of the family doing. I wanted family time every day. 30 minutes at least of all 6 of us talking about God, His blessings, our struggles, prayer.

Rusty Reese spoke in SS about getting up early to spend time in the word and with God. He mentioned times where Jesus had prayed before the sun had come up, symbolizing seeking God first in your daily lives. I began thinking about my family. It would be an easy task for me. I would implement a God and I time for the kids before their studies, but Matt left the house at 5:30am. Is it reasonable to ask him to get up an extra hour to start his day off with God? I began praying more diligently for him specifically. I realized how my husband didn’t have the opportunity to start his day with a devotion. Then God reminded me that he had an hour plus drive every morning. I decided to find a way to use that time. I went to my local library to see what kind of CD’s they had on devotions and Bible reading. I found they had the entire Bible on CD. It’s also considered an honor system item that isn’t “checked out” and doesn’t have a required return date. I wanted to set Matt up for a great day everyday. I knew he could get there by having a morning devotion but knew it would be a hard task seeing how early he leaves. But God was able to take time that can normally be so bothersome and use it for His glory! Now, Matt gets a morning devotion! I had planned on recording daily readings for him if I could find something else. So, glad to be blessed with these CD’s!!  

We started to see differences in both our attitudes. I also began giving myself “work hours” like everyone else. Being a stay @ home mom, who home schools, I decided to limit the amount I “let” myself do a day. My husband does so much that I didn’t want him coming home to work too. But, I didn’t want to still be folding laundry and allowing Satan to tell me he wasn’t helping. So, after dinner, no more house work! I found it was still there for me the next day. I also, realized that my children were VERY capable of doing chores, even liking it. Who knew? Most importantly, when my husband didn’t feel the pressure of laundry, dishes, floors, my evil eye, he was ready to spend his time with us. He started leading us in a short Bible study after dinner, usually while kids were having dessert. It didn’t have to be long, just short, sweet and to the point. The kids get it and they are eager to share what’s going on in their lives. They want you to know, but they want to know you have the time to listen.

My Blog's Purpose

Well, this is where I wanted to get to with my blog. But I am such a freak about organizing and what has to be done in orders I may never get there except by just jumping in. So, you will still see post about my past and testimony. My past and testimony is so important because, here I am, part of a church for nearly 6 years now and most of them don’t know who I am. I want everyone to know my heart and who I am.

With that said… I have made many changes in the past year that you’ll have to wait on those post to know or I’ll never get to the point. Ha! While sharing with close friends and family, I found that 2 are better than 1 and wanted to share my journey with them and was looking for an outlet to do that. Let’s be honest, taking 1 more day of the week to meet up for a few hours with friends isn’t practical when I’m looking for more time with my family! So, this is my outlet.

I wanted my husband to be a leader. I found, I was the one keeping him from being that. Some of it was me being strong willed and some was things we all do everyday and don’t even realize it to be in the way. So, I was asking God, “Why won’t he step it up?” He answered me, “Because you’re in the way.” Ouch! I never liked when you read the scriptures concerning women in the Bible and how they should submit and all that. But God said if you want him to truly lead, you have to be ready to follow.  So, this is me following God’s direction. I hope by sharing some of the things God has spoken to me about changing, will in turn help you too as wives and mothers. If any men read, maybe they can understand their wives or mothers a little better. God is still speaking because I am still seeking! I will never master this thing because I am human. Tomorrow, I will fail, but I hope I will recognize it and ask for forgiveness and try again. I truly love you all. There is no personal gain in my blog. I just wanted to share with my friend in the most convenient way possible so please comment and suggest. I am not the leader here. I would love the interaction from you!

Only Satisfied!

God speaks to me often through song. He gives me a song during some tough and trying times in my life.

Life happened in fast forward for me. I married my high school sweetheart in 2000. Had our first child a year later in 2001. We built our 1^st house in 2002 and welcomed baby #2 a month after moving in. Things seemed to be smooth sailing. New house, new cars, good jobs, eat out when we want, shop where we want. The “American Dream”, right? Brody was had just turned 1 when we found out the baby #3 was on the way.  Ok, we can do this, what’s 1 more? I was on my 6 weeks of maternity leave with Bryli-Kate when I get a letter in the mail from my employer. “Congratulations on the baby, however, we will not be holding your position while you are on leave. You no longer have a position here at the company. Good luck in your future endeavors.” Seriously? So, I set out to find a new job. Crazy the reaction you get when they find out you have 3 children 3 and under. So, slowly bills became heavier, until one day you have to choose which ones take importance. Before long, we realized the house payment, 2 car payments along with the necessities were too much. We put the house on the market with a few bites but nothing panning out. Then, we added lease purchase to broaden our customer pool. We had this really nice lady come with her son and we talked and she loved the house. She had a steady job and a boyfriend who would be contributing also. Things looked good. We were going to save money and make it finally! About the same time, God moved us from a church I had been a member of most of my life to Hopewell. So, recap. From 2000 to 2005, we got married, had 3 kids, build a house and tried to sell a house and God moved us to Hopewell after being at a church for 20 years. Lots of changes, right? You have no idea! We were loving Hopewell and learning about having a relationship with God verses know about God. We were figuring out why you should seek God in EVERY decision you make. And not just seek Him, but listen to the answer! About 9 months go by and our lessee goes from paying promptly on the 1^st of the month to paying on the 5^th and then 10^th and so on. Each time, I would get a new excuse. Her father had a heart attack and was in the hospital in Florida and she would be back and have all she owed us was the last I heard from her. That was when she was 2 months behind and the 3^rd month was coming quick. I go on to the house to confront her after unanswered calls and find that she destroyed my home.  Literally! She had left 12 dogs in the house for 2 weeks, don’t worry they eventually broke windows and ate through walls to get out. When you walked in, flees attacked you to a point that you thought you grew freckles instantly. Millions, Billions I’m sure. You can only imagine the floor’s condition. Hall County deemed it uninhabitable. And posted notices on it. It was a big price tag to redeem it, besides the payments we were now behind on. So, we had to make a decision. Let the bank have it. Couldn’t sell it, couldn’t put a new tenant in it. Couldn’t move back in it ourselves. I struggled long and hard over my “American dream”. About that time, praise team was given CD’s of song we were thinking about either doing as a choir or doing in praise sets. “Only Satisfied” was track 11. It didn’t take long before I wore a rut in the CD and needed a replacement. I was so caught up in doing what the world accepted as normal. House, Cars, Credit Cards, but I wasn’t ever satisfied. I had a car that was paid for and ran perfect. So, why did I need a new one? Because that one was 4 years old? Seriously? There is always emptiness when you try to live by the world standards. The world is never satisfied. And when we try to live by their standards, we are never satisfied. We are not of the world as Christians! What more do we need in this life than “Living Water, Bread of Life. My desire, my delight. I have tasted and I have seen, that all You are, is all I’ll ever need! I am only satisfied in You! I am only satisfied in You! In a world of empty answers, you’re the way the life the truth, and I am only satisfied, in You! We were made by your design, to thirst and crave for love divine. Nothing here can truly fill, the desperate heart. No nothing ever will, cause I am only satisfied in You! I am only satisfied in You! In a world of empty answers, you’re the way the life the truth, and I am only satisfied, in You!” We are thirsting for more of Him, yet we try to fill it with the world. Sometimes its possessions, Sometimes it’s the love of a man or woman, but our desire should be for the Lord and when we can focus on Him, everything else seems brighter, happier, cleaner, just better. It just falls into place. He is our provider. He is our Shelter. “Oh God, You are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen You in the sanctuary and beheld Your power and Your glory. Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You. I will praise You as long as I live and in Your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise You.” Psalm 63:1-5 When the devil tries to get me down over not owning my own home anymore or no having the luxury of going out and buying a new one every year or two, I remember that I made a decision to place my satisfaction in the Lord, Jesus Christ. God in the flesh who came to earth with no possessions. No place to lay His head at night. And He did it all to die for me. Holy is He!