Come with Love...

Most everyone knows the situation with my mother. She is a lot like a dementia patient. In fact they pretty much consider her to have dementia due to and “accident” or stroke. I mentioned earlier how she was so independent and strong, a go get’er type of person. Now she requires 24 hour supervision and needs numerous medications to help with multiple symptoms from anxiety to depression. It was really hard to deal with the sudden change in her. She went from making lunch for the whole family on Sundays, watching her grandkids, working 2 jobs (because she was bored) to wearing diapers and never being left alone for fear of her harming herself, like a 2 year old. At first we were told full recovery and a timeline of 6 months to a year. After that came and went… you start mourning the death of who she was. Yet, you’re reminded every time you see her. It’s like seeing a ghost. You’re reminded when she doesn’t call you on your birthday. And every Sunday when you’re getting out of church and thinking about lunch and you remember when it was a “no brainer” because mom always cooked.

God has always brought songs into my life at the most perfect times. Come with love reminds me that I am always His child and He not only knows my Birthday, He knows every hair on my head. He gave this song to Matt and me during a time that was really depressing. Satan was trying to convince me I was all alone and no one cared about me. I had no father and my mother only remembered me on a good days. It’s comical to me that I could possibly feel “alone” with 4 children! This song will always be particularly dear to my heart and any time I start to feel alone I listen and He calls me and showers me with a love no one could ever compete with!

You come with love, in the beauty of your holiness. With love you call me to your side. You draw my heart and you shower me with tenderness. Your loving arms are opened wide.

And so I come, I come with tenderness. And so I come, I come with love.

When the night is falling and the day is done, I can hear you calling, “Come” I will come while you sing over me.

When the night surrounds me, all my dreams undone, I can hear you calling, “Come” I will come while you sing over me

When the night would hide my way, I will listen until I hear you say, “How I love you child I love you, how I love you child, I love you. How I love you!”

“How I love you child I love you, how I love you child, I love you. How I love you!”

When this life is over and the race is run. I will hear you calling, “Come” I will come while you sing over me.

“How I love you child I love you…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrerGdYNQ9A&list=UUR9Ryk6Cts2aJGrRZu6ZMIA&index=18&feature=plcp

God's timing!

Wow! I don’t know why I keep reverting back to the same old human things… Maybe I’m human? We know as Christians, that God’s timing is not ours, right? But sometimes we forget that God’s timing doesn’t have to be a “deadline” set by someone else either! That’s what got me this time. Matt’s Rwanda money, $2000, was due by May 1^st. May 1^st came and he had $990 in his account. We scrambled around on Monday and Tuesday trying to figure out, with the mission’s office at church, if that meant he wasn’t going. The rule is, No money for what needs to be purchased for you, no purchase. Pretty simple. However, they were waiting to hear from the travel agent and we had a few hours at best to send out one more request. So, I did what I do best, hit my facebook!! All of you that hate it, well, if used correctly, it can be a blessing. Matt was able to raise another $310 in less than 24 hours. That’s awesome! When we talked with the missions department Wednesday night, we learned that the tickets would be purchased the next day and now, the ticket prices had gone up another $210. So he needed $2210 to purchase the ticket with and we only had $1300. We felt like we were back to square one. Translation, we felt defeated. God was trying to show us that we need to put our faith in Him. Should we do fundraisers, beg on facebook and send out letters? Of course! He never promised the cross would not be heavy! When Matt decided to answer a call, by God to go to Rwanda, we picked up a cross to carry. Sitting back and only saying God will provide while doing nothing to be a vessel, would have been self-righteous to say the least. But, He was trying to teach the both of us that His timing is divine and perfect just like His will for our lives. When we were discouraged Wednesday, God must have been so frustrated with us. I can hear Him now, “Look at those two! I already dropped a hint that they were able to use nearly an entire extra week past a due date, and they still are relying on man’s timing and not My own!” Thursday came and Matt accepted the fact that the money was not there and he would have a head start on next year. We hadn’t heard any different. On Monday, Matt was approached by “someone” and asked if he still wanted to go. Matt said of course but he was sure the tickets had been purchased. Well, come to find out, they hadn’t! He still had time, this “someone” offered to pay the remaining amount for his ticket and anything that he didn’t raise in the end but to continue raising money until the June deadline of $2900 total. He was also handed another $100 check that day separate and another $100 came straight to the church in his name! Shocked! Grateful! Astounded! Humbled!... Surprised! But why? Jesus was 4 days late to raise Lazarus. Late by our standards before hand, but perfectly on time by His standards and in hind sight! And we’re talking about someone being raised from the dead! Not money for a plane ticket, for a mission trip God called you to go on! Why were we so surprised? It makes you think. Faith is asking the mountain to move and only being surprised when it doesn’t! – Not when it does!

Just a few of my baby steps

You may have it all together, but when it came to me, well, balancing kids, husband, house, dinner, sports, weekends… well, the list goes on for all of us! A typical week for me could be challenging to say the least. Matt would get home around 6:45 to dinner, hopefully, then sit on the couch with the remote while I scrambled to finish laundry, pick up toys, order kids around, pass the living room and give husband dirty look for doing nothing. And then the devil starts…  “So, just because you don’t get a pay check for all you did today, it’s not work? You didn’t get to clock out? Who does he think he is? He needs to be helping fold and put laundry away!” This was an every night occurrence. So upset that I was still going up until bed time trying to “earn my keep.” I was letting my husband slip into this “bringing home the bacon roll.” Not his fault, mine. After a few weeks of exhaustion, mental that is, I began seeking God in helping me change my attitude. I knew my husband was a great man. Driving 59 miles one way to provide for his family! How could I have these terrible thoughts? Well, of course it was the liar, Satan. God asked me what I wanted out of my life. (husband and kids included) I really searched and was in Genesis seeing the life of Noah, Abraham, Isaac, their families. I wanted God to be the center. I knew with Him as the center, we would be blessed. We are at church 7-8 hours a week. But, other than my own daily reading, what were the rest of the family doing. I wanted family time every day. 30 minutes at least of all 6 of us talking about God, His blessings, our struggles, prayer.

Rusty Reese spoke in SS about getting up early to spend time in the word and with God. He mentioned times where Jesus had prayed before the sun had come up, symbolizing seeking God first in your daily lives. I began thinking about my family. It would be an easy task for me. I would implement a God and I time for the kids before their studies, but Matt left the house at 5:30am. Is it reasonable to ask him to get up an extra hour to start his day off with God? I began praying more diligently for him specifically. I realized how my husband didn’t have the opportunity to start his day with a devotion. Then God reminded me that he had an hour plus drive every morning. I decided to find a way to use that time. I went to my local library to see what kind of CD’s they had on devotions and Bible reading. I found they had the entire Bible on CD. It’s also considered an honor system item that isn’t “checked out” and doesn’t have a required return date. I wanted to set Matt up for a great day everyday. I knew he could get there by having a morning devotion but knew it would be a hard task seeing how early he leaves. But God was able to take time that can normally be so bothersome and use it for His glory! Now, Matt gets a morning devotion! I had planned on recording daily readings for him if I could find something else. So, glad to be blessed with these CD’s!!  

We started to see differences in both our attitudes. I also began giving myself “work hours” like everyone else. Being a stay @ home mom, who home schools, I decided to limit the amount I “let” myself do a day. My husband does so much that I didn’t want him coming home to work too. But, I didn’t want to still be folding laundry and allowing Satan to tell me he wasn’t helping. So, after dinner, no more house work! I found it was still there for me the next day. I also, realized that my children were VERY capable of doing chores, even liking it. Who knew? Most importantly, when my husband didn’t feel the pressure of laundry, dishes, floors, my evil eye, he was ready to spend his time with us. He started leading us in a short Bible study after dinner, usually while kids were having dessert. It didn’t have to be long, just short, sweet and to the point. The kids get it and they are eager to share what’s going on in their lives. They want you to know, but they want to know you have the time to listen.

My Blog's Purpose

Well, this is where I wanted to get to with my blog. But I am such a freak about organizing and what has to be done in orders I may never get there except by just jumping in. So, you will still see post about my past and testimony. My past and testimony is so important because, here I am, part of a church for nearly 6 years now and most of them don’t know who I am. I want everyone to know my heart and who I am.

With that said… I have made many changes in the past year that you’ll have to wait on those post to know or I’ll never get to the point. Ha! While sharing with close friends and family, I found that 2 are better than 1 and wanted to share my journey with them and was looking for an outlet to do that. Let’s be honest, taking 1 more day of the week to meet up for a few hours with friends isn’t practical when I’m looking for more time with my family! So, this is my outlet.

I wanted my husband to be a leader. I found, I was the one keeping him from being that. Some of it was me being strong willed and some was things we all do everyday and don’t even realize it to be in the way. So, I was asking God, “Why won’t he step it up?” He answered me, “Because you’re in the way.” Ouch! I never liked when you read the scriptures concerning women in the Bible and how they should submit and all that. But God said if you want him to truly lead, you have to be ready to follow.  So, this is me following God’s direction. I hope by sharing some of the things God has spoken to me about changing, will in turn help you too as wives and mothers. If any men read, maybe they can understand their wives or mothers a little better. God is still speaking because I am still seeking! I will never master this thing because I am human. Tomorrow, I will fail, but I hope I will recognize it and ask for forgiveness and try again. I truly love you all. There is no personal gain in my blog. I just wanted to share with my friend in the most convenient way possible so please comment and suggest. I am not the leader here. I would love the interaction from you!

Only Satisfied!

God speaks to me often through song. He gives me a song during some tough and trying times in my life.

Life happened in fast forward for me. I married my high school sweetheart in 2000. Had our first child a year later in 2001. We built our 1^st house in 2002 and welcomed baby #2 a month after moving in. Things seemed to be smooth sailing. New house, new cars, good jobs, eat out when we want, shop where we want. The “American Dream”, right? Brody was had just turned 1 when we found out the baby #3 was on the way.  Ok, we can do this, what’s 1 more? I was on my 6 weeks of maternity leave with Bryli-Kate when I get a letter in the mail from my employer. “Congratulations on the baby, however, we will not be holding your position while you are on leave. You no longer have a position here at the company. Good luck in your future endeavors.” Seriously? So, I set out to find a new job. Crazy the reaction you get when they find out you have 3 children 3 and under. So, slowly bills became heavier, until one day you have to choose which ones take importance. Before long, we realized the house payment, 2 car payments along with the necessities were too much. We put the house on the market with a few bites but nothing panning out. Then, we added lease purchase to broaden our customer pool. We had this really nice lady come with her son and we talked and she loved the house. She had a steady job and a boyfriend who would be contributing also. Things looked good. We were going to save money and make it finally! About the same time, God moved us from a church I had been a member of most of my life to Hopewell. So, recap. From 2000 to 2005, we got married, had 3 kids, build a house and tried to sell a house and God moved us to Hopewell after being at a church for 20 years. Lots of changes, right? You have no idea! We were loving Hopewell and learning about having a relationship with God verses know about God. We were figuring out why you should seek God in EVERY decision you make. And not just seek Him, but listen to the answer! About 9 months go by and our lessee goes from paying promptly on the 1^st of the month to paying on the 5^th and then 10^th and so on. Each time, I would get a new excuse. Her father had a heart attack and was in the hospital in Florida and she would be back and have all she owed us was the last I heard from her. That was when she was 2 months behind and the 3^rd month was coming quick. I go on to the house to confront her after unanswered calls and find that she destroyed my home.  Literally! She had left 12 dogs in the house for 2 weeks, don’t worry they eventually broke windows and ate through walls to get out. When you walked in, flees attacked you to a point that you thought you grew freckles instantly. Millions, Billions I’m sure. You can only imagine the floor’s condition. Hall County deemed it uninhabitable. And posted notices on it. It was a big price tag to redeem it, besides the payments we were now behind on. So, we had to make a decision. Let the bank have it. Couldn’t sell it, couldn’t put a new tenant in it. Couldn’t move back in it ourselves. I struggled long and hard over my “American dream”. About that time, praise team was given CD’s of song we were thinking about either doing as a choir or doing in praise sets. “Only Satisfied” was track 11. It didn’t take long before I wore a rut in the CD and needed a replacement. I was so caught up in doing what the world accepted as normal. House, Cars, Credit Cards, but I wasn’t ever satisfied. I had a car that was paid for and ran perfect. So, why did I need a new one? Because that one was 4 years old? Seriously? There is always emptiness when you try to live by the world standards. The world is never satisfied. And when we try to live by their standards, we are never satisfied. We are not of the world as Christians! What more do we need in this life than “Living Water, Bread of Life. My desire, my delight. I have tasted and I have seen, that all You are, is all I’ll ever need! I am only satisfied in You! I am only satisfied in You! In a world of empty answers, you’re the way the life the truth, and I am only satisfied, in You! We were made by your design, to thirst and crave for love divine. Nothing here can truly fill, the desperate heart. No nothing ever will, cause I am only satisfied in You! I am only satisfied in You! In a world of empty answers, you’re the way the life the truth, and I am only satisfied, in You!” We are thirsting for more of Him, yet we try to fill it with the world. Sometimes its possessions, Sometimes it’s the love of a man or woman, but our desire should be for the Lord and when we can focus on Him, everything else seems brighter, happier, cleaner, just better. It just falls into place. He is our provider. He is our Shelter. “Oh God, You are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen You in the sanctuary and beheld Your power and Your glory. Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You. I will praise You as long as I live and in Your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise You.” Psalm 63:1-5 When the devil tries to get me down over not owning my own home anymore or no having the luxury of going out and buying a new one every year or two, I remember that I made a decision to place my satisfaction in the Lord, Jesus Christ. God in the flesh who came to earth with no possessions. No place to lay His head at night. And He did it all to die for me. Holy is He!

Darkness into Light

“You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light.” 2 Samuel 22:29

On March 7, 2011, I had a hysterectomy to correct a moderate prolapse of the uterus. Do not Google that! Pictures I never wanted to see. Surgery was a success. I had reconstruction work done, which makes me feel like an old house by the way! With the extra tacks and such, I was not to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk for 6 weeks. Those that know me, know what a challenge this was! March 24^th I was headed on to the “back stretch” of recovery, Matt was headed on a men’s retreat for the weekend. I had no complications to this point and suddenly with one pull of the dog’s collar, blood, and lots of it. It was about 10pm, I had just sat back down on the couch from putting the dog away and was talking with a friend who came to “hang” with me.  I cough and suddenly feel like I have just “peed” on myself. I jump up, horrified that all 4 of my children are potty trained and I still have issues, and find that it was blood and not urine. It however was coming out it large amounts that’s why I had that sensation. By midnight I had ruined 2 sets of clothes and soaked through 2 “granny” pads. You know the ones, huge thick diaper like pads. Same happens until I finally go to sleep around 2:30am. I wake a little before 6am, soaked of course and head to the shower. I finally decide that it’s worse that I can handle alone and call my husband. He decides to come home and take me to the Dr. Thank goodness, because there is no one else that I would want to be with me in this situation. I call the doctor’s office at 8am. They of course want to see me immediately. I get another call from them immediately after making sure I’m bringing someone with me. Comforting. On the way, I call on my face book friends to pray for me. I was worried and all I could utter was “God, help me!” I didn’t know what else to say, but I knew that my family and friends would up lift me and they did. I get to the doctor and they examine me, she rushes out the door to call my doctor, who is at a conference. She comes back and asks Matt if he can drive me to the hospital or if they should call an ambulance and she keeps repeating, “It’s going to be ok!” I was trying to decide if she was trying to convince me or herself. The plan was to check my blood counts to determine if I need a transfusion and to do a CT to determine where the blood is coming from and if it’s pooling up inside of my abdomen. Then, surgery. Dun, dun, dun! Blood counts come back at 14! Now Google blood counts, you’ll find the 14 falls in the good and normal range. What?! But I’ve now bled through those “granny” pads for nearly 12 hours. How can my blood counts be 14? Yeah, you know that answer. So, it becomes a waiting game and “re-do” of blood work that evening and again the next morning. So, from about 10 am that morning until 4pm that afternoon, I lay on a gurney in the dark ER room while they determine what the next plan of action is. Worried and out of control, I just listen. I could feel the peace that all my friends were praying over me. It was calm and quiet. A stillness indescribable. A song enters my heart, “How great is our God!” They decide to admit me and put me on the pre-surgical floor, still anticipating surgery. This young guy comes and gets me to move me. He’s got a spirit like I’ve never experienced in the hospital. Happy, upbeat, like he was hangin’ with friends. We round the corner on the fourth floor and approach my room at the end of the hallway. The sun is shining so bright through the window that I raise my hands to shield my eyes. And the song continues. “He wraps Himself in light, and darkness tries to hide, and trembles at His voice and trembles at His voice. How great is our God, sing with me How Great is our God. And all will see how great, how great, is our God!” He was with me the whole time. From then until they released me the next evening, the bleeding had almost stopped completely except for a little spotting. Sometimes we don’t know why we go through some of the things we do. But we are promised that He is with us always and that He will not give us more than we can handle. Besides, with the promise that He is always with us, what could possibly be “too much”? “Age to age He stands and time is in His hands, beginning and the end, beginning and the end. The God Head Three in one. Father, Spirit, Son, The Lion and the Lamb, The Lion and the Lamb. How great is our God, sing with me How Great is our God. And all will see how great, how great, is our God!” So, I’m singing How Great my God is so all will see how great He is! Sounds like a mission’s song! Hmm…

Why I home school...

Why do I home school? I home school because I saw my children and my life cluttered with public school. I know what you’re thinking. I became a stay at home mom In October and had the “best of both worlds.” I get to wake the kids at 6:15, get them ready for school, feed them breakfast and put them on a school bus not to “deal” with them until the bus drops them off at 2:45. Eight hours to myself to clean, grocery shop, study my Bible. Who could ask for more? Right? Wrong! No matter how hard I tried to stay positive, my children were so stressed out when they got home, that it became a dreaded time when they got off the bus.  With another couple of hours of homework, making dinner, outside play with the neighborhood kids, baths and bedtime soon to follow, where was I suppose to fit in some good “quality” time with them? I saw my children 30 minutes before the bus came to pick them up (usually not a good 30 minutes, grouchy babies that didn’t want to go to school) a couple hours of homework help after school, dinner and baths to average a total of 4 to 5 hours, if I was lucky. Yet, I sent them off to a public school system, that doesn’t allow God, or his views, for 8 hours a day. Even if I got up preaching and teaching God, got them off the bus preaching and teaching God, I was still falling behind. Studies show that kids should get a recommended 12 hours of sleep at night for proper brain development. If we follow that regimen, we only leave ourselves with 4 hours, at best with them, and only if we ignore the cooking dinner and helping each child individually with their homework. That’s half the time we’ve let the ungodly public school have them each day. The numbers do not lie here. My mother use to have a saying. She would say, “Becki, if you take a white piece of paper and you put it in a bag of dirt, does the white from the paper rub off on the dirt, or does the dirt rub off on the paper?” Although, she was talking about the company I was keeping, wouldn’t this apply to the influence we subject our children to each and every day? So, can you see that now with my 4 children with me 24 hours out of the day (10-12 sleeping) I have an opportunity to instill in them the Holy Word of God? This is why I home school. Do I sit them down and pull out the Bible the entire time we are awake? No, but I get the opportunity to bring in Godly values in all areas of life, even Math! Nothing better than limiting Satan’s influence in their lives, instead of limiting God’s! “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” Proverbs 22:6